


Only God Knows Why

by MamaFrick (MissForeverRebel)



Series: Brothers of Oath [2]
Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:22:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissForeverRebel/pseuds/MamaFrick
Summary: How do you let go when you never got to say goodbye?
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Leighanne Littrell
Series: Brothers of Oath [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105160
Kudos: 2





	Only God Knows Why

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a companion piece to the Brothers of Oath series, taking place in between the end of Brothers of Oath and the beginning of The Long Road Home.
> 
> Inspired by the photo below, written for the February Photo Challenge over at FanFiction Haven (https://www.facebook.com/groups/152792229643817) on Facebook. Not my typical genre. Enjoy, and as always, comments and kudos = LOVE. :)

Why?

Brian Littrell had spent months now asking himself that very question and he was no closer to finding the answer than he had been when he first started asking it. The only difference now was that the bitterness had successfully managed to consume every ounce of his being until Brian hardly recognized his own reflection when he looked in the mirror. He hated the world. He hated  **_everything_ ** about it and that only made him want to ask the same question even more.

Why?

The thought of having faith like his mother constantly reminded him made Brian physically ill; he didn’t want a damn thing to do with faith. Not anymore. If Jackie Littrell wanted to continue having faith, then as far as Brian was concerned, his mother was just going to have to have enough for the both of them. If God had so willingly turned his back when his world was shattering in pieces around him, then he would be just as willing to do the same. Faith in God had become the furthest thing from Brian’s mind, no matter how much Jackie tried to convince him otherwise.

Why?

The question had become enough to drive Brian insane with each day that passed by in a blur of sleepless nights and days that dragged on. Half the time, he couldn’t even organize his mind enough to think to ask anything else  **_but_ ** why. Why had God allowed all of this to happen? Why hadn’t he been there to do something? For fuck’s sake, why had Brian been so blind that he couldn’t even see the destruction of his own brother taking place right in front of him? Brian had let his wife down, his son down. Hell, he’d even let Nick down, as if he could possibly take upon himself any of the blame for his brother’s incredibly horrific actions.

Brian wasn’t sure it would ever make sense.

No amount of bargaining and pleading with the God who had wronged him would ever bring things back to the way they used to be. The world had become an unfamiliar cold and desolate landscape Brian was cursed to wander alone. But how?  **_How_ ** was he expected to just pick up and carry on as if the very essence of his being hadn’t been destroyed in a series of events that not even the wildest of Brian’s imagination would have been able to concoct.

He couldn’t. He didn’t know how and part of Brian just didn’t give a damn about learning. Not that his family seemed to have an idea in the slightest. Sure, they knew Brian was broken, but they were so caught up in the task of assuring Baylee’s recovery, first at the rehabilitation center and then at Harold and Jackie’s house, that none of them noticed the way he just...blended in with the background. And Brian preferred it that way, too. Their fussing was suffocating. He just wanted to be left alone.

It was that very circumstance that led to Brian leaving his parents house in the middle of the night to rush off to the airport with only a simple note left behind in his wake stating that he’d received the call that the sale on the house was closing and he needed to tie up the loose ends, but he promised he would call. What Brian really wanted to say was that he just needed time...time away from everyone, time by himself, time to wallow in his heartache where misery was his only company.

Brian had expected to receive a call from his parents the following day but when it failed to come, he suspected their anger was inevitable. It wasn’t until a week into his time away that Brian gained enough nerve to phone home and at the very least check on how Baylee was doing. Harold refused to speak to him and Jackie said very little, assuring him briefly that Baylee was fine and not to worry. The conversation had been abrupt and Brian had barely begun to issue a shallow apology before Jackie hung up on him.

It was several weeks more that he remained in the area, relying on AJ and Howie’s help to get his and Leighanne’s belongings in order. What they didn’t want, Brian insisted they just sell it. Either way, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Hell, part of Brian didn’t even care if he saw any of the profit from the sales. He just wanted to be done with it and put it all behind him, but then AJ insisted that was foolish thinking and if he had to do it himself, he would put the money in a savings account for Baylee. The last Brian heard about it, AJ said he had gotten a hold of Jackie and had her open a savings account in Baylee’s name back in Lexington.

Captain Halverson and Chief Rinard had both stopped by unexpectedly to visit on the cusp of Brian’s last evening in the area, helping him secure all of Leighanne’s belongings into a storage unit. Brian already had Baylee’s belongings packed in a rented Uhaul that he planned to drive back to Lexington. It was a bittersweet exchange between the three that ended with Captain Halverson putting forth a lighthearted attempt at convincing Brian to come back to his position at the precinct, but Brian hadn’t hesitated to decline. He just...couldn’t fathom the idea.

The following morning when Brian directed the Uhaul onto the interstate with every intention of heading straight back to Kentucky, he had never expected the task to be so difficult, to feel torn in so many different directions. It was all so final, so done, so  **_finished_ ** . There would be no coming back. There would be no last little piece tying him to his past. If anything, Brian figured he would eventually just give Leighanne’s parents the key to the storage unit and let them do with their daughter’s belongings as they wished.

Brian didn't realize he had deviated from his route back home until he saw the sign for the exit for Marietta, Georgia approaching in ten miles. He and Leighanne had made that very drive to her hometown together so many times over the years, that he could practically navigate it in his sleep, only as he focused on his surroundings, Brian realized how different it looked now, how foreign and unwelcoming. He couldn’t even recall the majority of the drive there, as if that block of time had been completely lost.

By the time Brian pulled into the heart of Marietta and then a short time later came to a stop at the entrance of the long winding driveway that led up to Jack and Shirley’s house, the snow had begun to drift from above so heavily, he could barely see fifteen feet in front of him. The weather hadn’t been this bad on the interstate, even though it had been snowing pretty much since Brian had crossed the Georgia state line. It certainly was a sight to see, considering Marietta wasn’t known for ever receiving heavy amounts of snowfall and after checking the predicted forecast for the area, what was happening now was quite the opposite of what had been expected.

Brian must have lost time again because with one blink of his eyes, he found himself parked outside of the towering house, engine idling, barely noticing the stifling heat permeating the cab of the Uhaul as the windshield wipers worked furiously to keep the glass clear. He could almost feel the bile coming up his throat as his stomach turned, twisting into knots of nausea that left him second guessing showing up in the first place. It’s not like Brian had kept in touch with his in-laws after Leighanne’s funeral when they’d flown her body back to Marietta for a proper burial. He’d overheard his mother speaking to Shirley on more than one occasion, updating her on Baylee recovery. Regardless of Leighanne being gone, Baylee was still Shirley’s grandson. It’s just that Brian couldn’t find the courage to make the call himself.

He didn’t know what to say.

He didn’t want to possibly hear Shirley blaming him for her daughter’s death as much as Brian already blamed himself for it.

He couldn’t handle another goddamned reminder of what life had become.

The relentless showering of snow had pelted Brian mercilessly when he slid out of the cab and into the frigid air, before trudging hesitantly up to the front door where he’d stood paralyzed with a lack of confidence. Jack and Shirley didn’t even know Brian was coming. Then again, neither had he. He imagined showing up out of the blue in this manner would be quite the shock and really, Brian had half expected his in-laws to slam the door in his face. It’s not like he could blame them if they’d done so. The only tie that remained between them was Baylee; Brian wasn’t a concern to Jack and Shirley Tolbert anymore.

He was nobody now…

...Except Shirley had gasped in surprise when Jack had hurriedly called his wife into the grand foyer. Brian hadn’t realized the door opened and wasn’t sure if he had even knocked to announce his presence. All Brian knew in that moment as Shirley’s eyes had locked with his was that the tears he’d been holding inside cascaded down his cheeks as if a flood gate had been opened. There was no stopping Brian’s sobs of despair and he stood there, body trembling from the cold and his grief as he apologized profusely over and over before Shirley had pulled him in out of the cold and hugged Brian tightly until he gradually calmed enough to be led into the sitting room.

It didn’t matter how many times Brian told Jack and Shirley that he was sorry for what had happened. It did nothing to make him feel better, especially when Shirley began to cry right along with him. In fact, it made Brian feel even worse when they insisted none of it was his fault. But like Harold and Jackie, they didn’t know the truth like he did. They didn’t understand that their daughter was truly dead because of  **_him_ ** , and if they ever found out, they would never forgive him. He felt like he deserved that too.

To say they were surprised by Brian’s unexpected visit didn’t really say the half of it, but more surprising was their clearly evident disappointment when he informed them that he wouldn’t be staying long, preferably overnight if they would have him, although Shirley had been quick to tell him that was nonsense and insisted he stay for a couple of days, at the very least until the weather cleared.

So, that was exactly what Brian had done. Over the course of the next two days, he’d allowed himself to become emotionally vulnerable with his in-laws as they spent their time getting caught up on everything that had happened since they returned home to Georgia, including the untimely death of Brian’s brother Nick. Both Jack and Shirley must have thought Brian had begun to sob uncontrollably again from his grief at the mention of Nick’s name, but the truth was, talking about Nick only made the bitter guilt fester more heavily in him, to recall that final moment when he’d delivered the fatal bullet to Nick’s chest and watched the life drain from his brother’s eyes. They would never be able to understand it.

On his third morning in Marietta, Brian awoke in one of the guest rooms to the warmest and brightest of sunlight filtering in through the window. The snow had stopped falling shortly after he arrived in Marietta, but the sky remained cloud covered and the air freezing as a frigid reminder. Brian could picture the brilliant blue of the sky as much as he could feel the warmth radiating from the sun's rays. Jack and Shirley tried to convince him to stay longer when he came down the stairs a short time later and announced he would need to be getting on the road. Oddly enough, it had been a tempting thought, but Brian had already spent too much time away from his family in Kentucky. Hesitating to return any longer would only do more damage than good.

Jack and Shirley had seen Brian to the door after a hearty breakfast that had been accompanied with more tears and recollections of happy memories. It had been comforting just as much as it pained Brian at the same time, but it had turned out to be everything that he needed and more.

_ “It’s okay to go see her,” _ Shirley had told Brian as they stood at the door, engaged in a tight embrace. He’d wanted to ask her how she knew that was exactly what was on his mind in that moment and had been during the entirety of his visit, but when she finally pulled back and cupped Brian’s cheeks in her hands knowingly, he couldn’t get the words to project.  _ “Go see her. You need to.” _

Neither Jack or Shirley had to tell Brian where to go to find Leighanne’s final resting place. The family plot was located in a part of one of the cemeteries that Brian was all too familiar with on account that Leighanne had taken him there on more than one occasion to pay respect to her family members who had already passed. It had creeped Brian out at first to see how dedicated she was to it, but then he realized just how admirable Leighanne truly was for it.

Brian just never imagined he would be visiting it alone without Leighanne by his side to pay his respects to his late wife. But that was exactly what he found himself doing after leaving Jack and Shirley’s house. After making a quick trip to one of the supermarkets and purchasing the most beautiful single long stemmed red rose he could find, Brian navigated his way through Marietta until he found the familiar cemetery. He took the Uhaul in as far as was possible to safely navigate the moving truck, put it in park and left the engine running to keep the cab warm as he climbed out. The bite of the cold in the air was a little more tolerable now with the brightness of the sun shining warmth down from above. Brian suspected with the shift in weather that it wouldn’t take long for the snow to melt and disappear. Still, he quickly zipped up his jacket that wasn’t nearly thick enough to ward off the cold and carefully carried the long stemmed rose in his hand as he began to move away from the Uhaul.

The landscape around Brian glistened as if adorned with millions of priceless little sparkling diamonds. It was a beautifully kept cemetery where many were laid to rest and with every step he took along the snow covered path, Brian couldn’t deny the serene atmosphere surrounding him. He passed by several impressively constructed mausoleums before he finally came upon the burial plot that belonged to Leighanne’s family. It was sectioned off with a border consisting of smooth perfectly shaped rocks and lush green bushes that didn’t appear the least bit bothered by the recent sudden onslaught of wintry weather. Leighanne had once told him that her family’s burial plot was one of the biggest in the cemetery and she hoped one day he would consider the two of them making it their final resting place together. Home had meant everything to Leighanne, both in the beginning and the end.

Brian found Leighanne’s headstone--a raised rose granite masterpiece--about midway through the family plot. His eyes fell upon it when he took notice of his last name engraved into the granite with large bold letters that were meant to stand out. It wasn’t the first time Brian had seen the Littrell name on a headstone, but right then it just felt...there was such a mix of emotions, Brian wasn’t sure what it felt like. Pride at the thought that he had given Leighanne his last name. Sadness at the thought that the granite headstone was the last symbolic piece of his wife. Angry at the thought that he actually had to see it.

Brian slowly sank to his knees in front of the headstone and immediately reached out to gently trace the tips of his fingers over the engraving of Leighanne’s name.

_ “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” _

Pursing his lips together at the thought of his wife’s voice, Brian nodded to himself. “It’s gorgeous…” he murmured, fingers stilling against the granite. “You would have loved it...just like you would have loved knowing you got to be here.”

_ “Home is everything, Brian.” _

“You were my home, Leigh…” Brian’s voice trembled as he spoke and tried to inhale a steady breath, but it was shallow and abrupt. “God, I just...I-I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m lost without you.”

Brian shook his head with a sigh and lowered it, shutting his eyes for a moment. All that guilt that had been festering inside of him for months now taunted him once again. It made it hard to breathe, to come to terms with the fact that he was indeed kneeling in front of his beloved wife’s headstone, trying to say his peace while silently begging the God he was furious with to turn back time and just give him another chance to make things right. Or to allow him to take Leighanne’s place instead. She didn’t deserve the cards that fate had dealt her. Brian wished with a painful sob that he could take his wife’s place beneath the cold ground in a heartbeat.

“This...this isn’t fair,” Brian choked out as he lifted his head again to stare at Leighanne’s name. It was positioned to the left, leaving the clear indication that there was room for Brian’s name to eventually be added when his time in this life finally ended. He could only assume that Leighanne had made those wishes known to her mother at some point; Shirley wouldn’t have had a way of knowing otherwise. “Damnit, Leighanne, this isn’t fucking fair!”

_ “When was life ever meant to be fair, dear?” _

Brian leaned forward against the headstone, allowing the sobs to roll freely off his chest. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore without you!” His voice cracked as he made the declaration. Brian could visualize Leighanne’s sweet smile beaming down at him as she watched him closely. He had never wanted something more desperately than the vision to be real, to be able to pull her into his arms and just hold her as if his life depended on it. “This isn’t...this isn’t how it was supposed to be! We had plans and goals and I was...I was supposed to grow old with you. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life  **_with_ ** you, not without you!”

_ “You loved me, Brian Thomas Littrell…” _

“It wasn’t enough!” Brian shouted into the empty air. “I wasn’t...I wasn’t enough…”

_ “You were everything...and you will continue to be everything.” _

Brian knew it’s what Leighanne would say to him if she was actually there, but it did little to calm the turbulence in his soul. “I  **_failed_ ** us, Leigh, and I am so fucking sorry for that…” He pinched at the bridge of his nose as he pulled back from the headstone after several moments and managed to calm himself. “How do I begin to stop loving you? I...I can’t! Tell me what I’m supposed to do, Leigh! Tell me how I’m supposed to do all of this without you!”

_ “Baylee.” _

His son’s name flashed through his mind as Brian swiped a hand across his eyes. “Baylee’s lost without you, too,” he mustered brokenly. “He blames himself for you being gone. He...he thinks it’s all his fault.”

_ “This isn’t Baylee’s fault.” _

“I’ve tried to tell him.” Brian released a heavy sigh. “He’s just...he’s hurting so bad right now, Leigh. And on top of losing you, he’s having a Hell of a time recovering from the accident. Baylee’s missing out on his senior year of high school because of all of this. No more sports.  **_Everything_ ** he’s worked so hard for has all gone to Hell.”

Brian wet his lips, shivering a bit from the cold. “But he’s strong like you were,” he stated with a firm nod and realized he was saying it more for his own benefit. “Even if he doesn’t realize it right now, Baylee is strong and he’ll get through this, because if either of us is gonna get through it, it will be him.”

Shifting his gaze down to the rose in his grasp, Brian felt a gentle smile curl his lips, despite his continued tears. “I’m always gonna love you, Leigh. There’s not a doubt in my mind about it. I don’t...remember what times were like before I started loving you. I don’t know how to stop loving you...and...I don’t want to.”

The long stemmed red rose looked stunning propped up against the headstone a moment later before Brian once again traced the tips of his fingers against Leighanne’s name. “I love you…” he whispered, focusing on the engraved letters. “From the beginning to the end. Forever and for always.”

Brian sat in silent solitude for a while longer until the freezing soaked material of his jeans became painful against his legs. He leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to Leighanne’s name and then pulled back, right to his feet. “Forgive me, Leighanne…” he whispered again. “I love you...so much…”

Turning, Brian began to make his way out of the family plot, forcing himself to move steadily forward without looking back, because if he didn’t, he would never be able to get himself to leave. Staying wouldn’t do him a bit of good. He needed to get back on the road to Lexington to begin the process of trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.

Only Brian didn’t know if that was even possible...


End file.
